putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
You Might Also Like
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
A ghost story
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING