In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
the official breakfast of 2021
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name