Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
me: my friends:
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans