Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My plans: 2020:
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles