He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?