Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My time has come.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Ok but actually
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO