If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Oh the world we live in…
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot