A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop