I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
💁🏻♂️
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests