How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You Might Also Like
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding