love pickles so much i put myself in one
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
no such thing as a dumb question
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.