willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
the world’s most popular steaming services
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.