Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Haha! 😂
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.