🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My work here is don’t.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.