OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I’m giving up ice.