Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You Might Also Like
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”