bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
You Might Also Like
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.