Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
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An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
me adding lol on a serious message
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?