I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]