“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Education is vital
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.