Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying