SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Cool shirt 🙂
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.