No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem