Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Yoga Matt
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.