Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Duck typos.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.