Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
There are usually two types of merchants.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no