ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
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At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.