Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Snapes on a plane.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.