“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
You Might Also Like
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.