me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Brb my Sims are getting married
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.