My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music