I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”