You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.