馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There鈥檚 only water animals there
2: Cows!
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it鈥檚 seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
It鈥檚 like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over. Cry because you鈥檙e just a head in a jar in some science lab.
that de-escalated quickly
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams