Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”