doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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Guantanamo Bae
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
road rage
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia