Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
E
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.