[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Room with a view.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.