ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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Candles never taste the way they smell
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding