Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
You Might Also Like
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.