“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
You Might Also Like
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Cool shirt 🙂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.