Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.