[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
PLEASE READ
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.