Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*limbos away from your hug*
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Money is the root of all wealth
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.