*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
How to properly lift a body
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.