I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.