Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
You Might Also Like
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.