customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
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My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Natural selection at its finest
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no