* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
You Might Also Like
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.