My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
uh oh
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap